Welcome to my nightmare
09:10pm 15/12/2006
On the twelfth day of Christmas, xwyckedx sent to me...
Twelve dragons drumming
Eleven drums piping
Ten boots a-leaping
Nine cameras dancing
Eight trucks a-camping
Seven concerts a-writing
Six oceans a-filming
Five ca-a-a-astles
Four mosh pits
Three gin blossoms
Two high places
...and a slayer in a rhapsody.
Get your own Twelve Days:

on the edge of forever

03:40pm 24/10/2006
  Sometimes, it kills me to remember what a waste of life I am.  

on the edge of forever

02:17pm 28/06/2006
  So, uhm, i use my other journal all the time and this one never now.

Ask me if you even care.

1 close their eyes X on the edge of forever

Josh Harper   
03:20pm 19/06/2006
  10 June 2006... 2038.
When can I take you from this place?
When is the word but a sigh?
When is death our lone beholder?
When do we walk the final steps?
When can we scream instead of whisper?

I loved you and you're gone. That's all there is, and I don't know what to do.
I feel so fucking lost, so empty.
You'll be happy to know I'm coming out to see you; I told you we would be able to touch each other someday.. I just didn't know you wouldn't feel me as well.
If I could do anything, say anything, be anything, I would bring you back. Fifteen minutes is all I ask.. just enough time to hug you, tell you I love you.
I was driving home today and I cried out your name, but you didn't answer. If you're gone, if you're the stars and sun and sky and wind and earth, why won't you just reply? The moon was full last night, and I wanted you to be inside of it. Not literally stuck inside the rock and earth, but in the essence, in somewhere better than anything you've ever felt. I wish I could have given you the world, but we both knew that was impossible.
And, someday, I'll write something beautiful in your name, and maybe I'll drop it by your grave, but you'll have something, and it will never be as beautiful as you were, but it will be as close as I can possibly come.

And, what more can I say other than I love you? I hope we do meet someday, I hope you can let me know you're still with me, I hope for anything now, but part of me feels like hope is dead.

....just come back to me...

on the edge of forever

06:36am 07/04/2006
  I am no where near the person I was one year ago.

I don't even know her anymore..

2 close their eyes X on the edge of forever

09:15am 26/03/2006
  Andy called me last night and I couldn't handle it.

My dad is really, really depressed again.

I want to go to the science center.

And drink tea.

And lie in the grass and feel the SUN against my skin.

Everything is so much more tolerable with warm weather... it's the only time I feel I can cope.

2 close their eyes X on the edge of forever

09:19pm 23/03/2006
  I try. I try as hard as I fucking can to stay calm.
"Please, God, let him be alright. Please, God, let me know he is okay."
Somehow, this only halfway works.
I try to have faith, try to trust my instincts, try to pretend life is peachy, but when I get nothing but hollow ringing and the miserable beep of an answering machine, well, I just can't help myself.
We fought today, and now he's gone. He's probably not gone, he's probably out smoking or avoiding me because he's stubborn, or just sleeping.
He's probably not stoned out of his mind, dead and blue on the floor gasping for breath.
But this is how my mind perceives it. This is what I see, think, feel, smell. I don't want it in any aspect, and it won't disappear.
I've called seventeen times in the past three minutes. If that's not obsessive, well, I don't know what is.
And I feel the familiar rush of blood straight through my body, pumping so fast that my wrists almost feel hollow as I type this, the sinking in my gut growing so heavy I fear I might fall through my floor, through myself, through the earth, through hell.
Please, God, keep him safe.
Please, God, keep me sane.
Please, God, just take me the fuck away.
I used to cut myself to escape the pain. I used to smoke and slice my fucking legs and burn myself. It made me a part of another world, my own universe that I could control with the flick of a wrist. More pain? More pressure. Less pain? Just move my hand away. Now THAT'S control. None of this other bullshit. Sometimes, if the physical sensation is strong enough, you can absorb yourself so far into it that nothing else matters. That's the world I would teleport to.
I've since realized what I did, and now nothing would be the same even if I tried, so I've given up.
That doesn't mean I hurt any less.

on the edge of forever

05:08pm 17/03/2006
  I feel so empty.
Like there is nothing left.
And I just want to fucking scream,
But I don't even have that in me anymore...

on the edge of forever

01:23am 04/03/2006
  Sometimes, I feel so alone that I can't escape it.
I can be completely surrounded by people, yet somehow I know that they're not really there.. no one's really there, and everyone is simply a figment of my imagination.

How does one escape something like that?

on the edge of forever

02:34pm 27/02/2006
Totally suck.
So hardcore.

They're inconsiderate, fucking rude assholes. End of story.

I'm two seconds away from kicking every single one of them in the mouth.

on the edge of forever

10:28am 25/02/2006
  So, uh, I really hate night time.
I never sleep, and when I do, the dreams are so fucking exhausting that I awake more tired than when I fell asleep.
That's always fun.

Hooray for me.

on the edge of forever

Do this.   
01:42pm 23/02/2006
  Here's the one for the good stuff...
And, as I'm sure all of you want to do, here's where you can say the bad stuff...
I'd like to know.. even the bad stuff.
Yep, I swear.

Be like Nike and just do it.

on the edge of forever

12:08pm 19/02/2006
  I'm going to fucking explode.  

on the edge of forever

08:07am 11/02/2006
  I can't believe I'm going to this thing today.
....the only thign I wanted this morning was to never get out of bed.

on the edge of forever

Andy, my true "soul mate".   
09:20pm 07/02/2006
  Soul mate isn't the word, but I couldn't think of one better.
...it's not that we're destined to be together as lovers, it's that we're blessed [or cursed] with the same soul.
Or, at least, we felt that way.
When he was here, I could sense every single thing about him, and from what he said, things were the same. I never once wanted to spend my life with him or anything like that, but he felt as though he had been significant to me for quite a bit longer than we'd actually known each other. I can't explain it... it's like we were twins in a past life or brothers and sisters. We shared something close, and that made me love him. We were practically the same person.
He just called.
We talked for the first time in months.
Half a year maybe?
I don't even know.
Ever since he left, we faded away.
Ever since the thing happened to me, he faded away.
I still thought of him, and I hope he did for me.
He became busy with Cheryl.
His life.
She doesn't like me, and I can accept that.
I became busy with Dylan.
We faded away..
I'm sure my relationship with Cory had a lot to do with that.. Andy is entirely too jealous of everything ever.
But my relationship with him faded away as well, so it doesn't really matter in the end, I suppose.
He called, and I felt so damned detached. I couldn't connect, I couldn't love him, I couldn't care.

And if I can't feel close to someone who has the same fucking soul as me, what does that say about the rest of those in my life?

on the edge of forever

If tonight were the last night....   
09:02pm 07/02/2006
  Six years ago, it was the last night for my cousin. Well, technically last night was, but he died after midnight, so it was today. He was the first person I truly loved who died... he flew out of a fuckin' car. His face was so distorted and they had an open casket funeral anyway and I can still see the marks where I Know it was plastered against the pavement and the people couldn't even hide it or refix the bone structure. I miss him. Incredibly. Why can't he still be here? I know things wouldn't be better, but it would still be nice.
His grandfather died three months later.. he couldn't handle living without his only grandson. He told us about what he wanted for his funeral, and he explained how he could get the 21 gun salute. He went to the hospital a week later for stomach ulcers.. we planned on visiting, but he died the morning. Fuck, I miss him, too. ...and they say you can't die of a broken heart.

I feel so alone, so down. I don't know why because I was on top of the world a mere hour ago. No, that's a lie. Two hours ago I was, though, I promise.

Fuck, what's wrong with me??


on the edge of forever

04:58pm 06/02/2006
  Nobody updates their livejournals anymore.
COuld it be that we've all become MySpace whores?
Or life is too busy to spend it wasting away on a website?

So, I'm not accepted into 100% of the colleges I applied to. Don't get too happy - that's only two. They're both offering scholarships, and while I definitely always wanted to go to one over the other, I'm pretty damned confused at this point. I just can't wait to BE THERE.

I've now tried sushi, grape leaves, and tofu. The first and last are great, and I can't decide if I like the second. MY aunt said she makes some pretty kick ass grape leaves that taste less like pickles, though, so I'll have to try hers.

I've calculus, physics, and bio 2 this semester.. it's kicking my ass, I believe, but I can deal.

Mrs. Kennedy told me she really wants me to go into writing, which was weird.

I had dinner with Jaymee on Saturday.. it was nice to see her.. we ate TONZ of food.

I want a girl... incredibly. I'm very, very satisfied with the boy in my life, though. And speaking of homosexuality, I saw Brokeback Mountain... cried like a muthafuggah. The Steelers won the Superbowl, but everyone alive knows that one. It was nice to celebrate, and I got to drink some pretty awesome wine.

I work four nights this week, and I train every single shift. I've had a pretty shitty time at work as of late, but the two new girls we got are giving me hope. Let's cross our fingers. Nick might be taking me to Florida with him in the summer, and that would be so ultra-amazing... I'd probably die of excitement.

My head hurts, but that's an all-the-time thing. I've given up on caring about it.

And, yeah. I miss you all.

Andy, did you get my voicemail??

5 close their eyes X on the edge of forever

04:07pm 16/01/2006
  I need a life.
I need a tooth.
I need an escape.


3 close their eyes X on the edge of forever

04:52pm 10/01/2006
  The nights are becoming unbearable.  

1 close their eyes X on the edge of forever

09:54pm 02/01/2006
  A long December and there’s reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better than the last
I can’t remember the last thing you said as you were leavin’
Now the days go by so fast

And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
If you think that I could be forgiven... I wish you would

The smell of hospitals in winter
And the feeling that it’s all a lot of oysters, but no pearls
All at once you look across a crowded room
To see the way that light attaches to a girl

And it’s one more day up in the canyons
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
If you think you might come to California... I think you should

Drove up to the Hillside Manor sometime after two a.m.
And talked a little while about the year
I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower,
Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her

And it’s been a long December and there’s no reason to believe
Maybe this year will be better that the last
I can’t remember all the times I tried to tell myself
To hold on to these moments as they pass

And it’s one more day up in the canyon
And it’s one more night in Hollywood
It’s been so long since I’ve seen the ocean... I guess I should

3 close their eyes X on the edge of forever